Times sure have changed since I last used JDate, which was way back in early 2001. Now there are "Flirts" and "Teases", new ways of telling someone you are too lame to even construct an e-mail. And you can see who has looked at your profile, and at what time, and if you've been added to a Hot List (although I think this feature must be broken). There is also a quirky Instant Message system that apparently allows you to send a one-way message to another member while you sit and stare at the screen for a long time, but get no response. It's good fun.
It would be even more fun if someone would write back to my JDate letters. I only write to women whose profiles I find appealing, and I try to show genuine interest by composing highly personalized messages instead of resorting to a generic stock letter.
My sorrowfully ineffective method has been to start with a humorous reference to their profile, to show I was actually paying attention. For your enjoyment, I've compiled a select list of actual clips from letters I've sent to other JDate members. Invariably, I get no response.
Tell me, would you write back?
To the psychologist:
Can I book an hour of couch time?
To the entrepreneur who quit law school and her job on Wall St. to start a cookie company:
Subject: I did it all for the cookie
Message: Wall Street, law school, now cookies. You're in it for the DOUGH!
To the "Vice President with Looks"
I typically only date Presidents but I would be willing to lower the bar and make an exception here.
To the girl who, well ... I can understand why she didn't write back:
If we went on a date I think I could overcome the fact that you bear an uncanny resemblance to my sister.
To a girl who claims "Make me laugh and I become like silly puddy":
Would be great to make you laugh so you become like silly puddy. Then we could press you against a newspaper and make an impression of the newsprint.
To the defense attorney:
If I was a defense attorney, every night when I went to sleep, I'd shout, "The defense rests!"
To a girl who insists "I also want to meet a man who knows what he's doing in bed."
You got me thinking, am I a man who knows what he's doing in bed? Well, I know I'm reaching over to carve another notch on the bedpost, and sometimes I'm phoning my mates to tell them I've scored again. I'm kidding. These days it's all about text messaging.
NB: I actually did hear back from this gal, and we went on a date. She confessed that all the bedroom talk was just a way to lure men into sending her outrageous responses for a social experiment she is conducting. We are sure to be best of friends.
To the girl who awards "big bonus points if you love to read":
In response to your essay, I must confess: I am not a reader. It's not that I don't like to read ... I CAN'T read! I never learned how. Sure, I can write, but I can never go back and read what I've written to make corrections. (You may be asking, how did I read your letter? Easy: Helper monkey)
To the girl looking for Prince Charming:
Subject: I'm Prince Farming
Message: I don't know how charming I am, but I was born on a farm.
To the graduate from a "top university":
[...] To maintain your reputation as an MBA from a top university, you should correct the typo with "atrractive" in that last paragraph.
To the girl who loves sharks:
P.S. -- You dig sharks, eh? I have an ancient fossilized 4" long shark tooth (that's not a pickup line).
To the speech language pathologist:
Subject: Aphasia got me in a haze-ia
To the girl whose biggest turn-off is negativity:
I'm trying to come up with a way to say, "I'm not negative", but that in itself is a double negative.
To the girl with no picture, and a "small frame" body type
Do you have a photo to go with that small frame of yours?
It is going to be a long winter for the JewishRobot.